ZENNER HAD A DREAM,
OWEN HAD A NIGHTMARE
(the following is offered with the author’s permission, in
lieu of the usual I Have A Dream Column)
MANAGED CARE IN 2050: Touchstone Healthcare
Corporation
By Michael B. Owen
Customer Service Representative (CSR): Hello. My name is
Susan. I am your Touchstone Health Care Customer Service Representative.
This call may be recorded to ensure quality and compliance with federal
regulations. How may I help you?
Ralph: My name is Ralph and I am calling to get an
authorization for a medical procedure.
CSR: Ralph, are you a patient or a medical professional?
Ralph: Patient
CSR: Well, I am sorry, Ralph, but Touchstone only
authorizes procedures that are requested by a
licensed physician or physician assistant.
Ralph: But I was told by my doctor that I could directly
request an assisted suicide from Touchstone.
CSR: Yes, sir that is correct. Assisted suicide is an
exempt procedure. We need only an automated order from your physician and
your verbal statement requesting the procedure. Please give me your account
number, and I can verify your doctor’s automated request.
Ralph: 217-502-4569
CSR: Thank you. The verification will only take a second.
Ralph: While I am waiting, do you mind if I ask you a few
questions?
CSR: Of course not. I am you Touchstone customer service
representative and happy to help in anyway I can.
Ralph: Why is assisted suicide an exempt procedure?
CSR: Assisted suicide is exempt because it does not
require medical intervention from a health care provider. It is an in-home
procedure that patients may administer themselves.
Ralph: You mean there is no medical supervision at all.
What part is “assisted”?
CSR: The term “assisted suicide” was first used around the
turn of the century when physicians administered and monitored high-cost,
inpatient, suicide procedures. Since that time research has proven that
self-administered suicide procedures have identical outcomes to
physician-assisted suicide and can be provided at a much lower cost.
Although the physician-assisted concept has been obsolete for many years, we
still refer to the procedure as assisted suicide.
Ralph: If I administer the suicide myself, why do I even
need to use my health care plan?
CSR: It is the law, Ralph. Assisted suicide procedures and
methods are regulated by both federal and state governments. It is
administered under END-A, the Early Need for Death Act that was passed by
Congress in 2020. Since that time, unapproved suicides are illegal and
punishable by fine and imprisonment.
Ralph: What’s the reason for that?
CSR: Unapproved suicides can be highly ineffective and
often result in incomplete suicides. One incomplete suicide can leave a
patient and his or her family with extremely high, long-term, health care
costs. Ten years ago, Unregulated Incomplete Suicides (UIS) were threatening
the viability of the entire Universal Health Care System. On the other hand,
Approved Assisted Suicide is the most cost-effective medical procedure in
the history of health care. The Administration of END-A has now established
best-practice guidelines and inexpensive toolkits that ensure an effective,
safe suicide experience of about 98% of patients who are eligible for the
procedure.
Ralph: Well, I have always tried to follow the advice of
my personal physician.
CSR: Very wise, Ralph. Touchstone Healthcare encourages
all eligible patients to use Approved Assisted Suicide. Most patients are
highly satisfied with the outcome and benefit package. Oh good, I see your
doctor’s order is on my screen. Okay, I can move to the authorization
process.
Ralph: How does that work?
CSR: I will ask you a series of questions. I will record
your answers for privacy and compliance requirements. Ready?
Ralph: I guess so.
CSR: Okay, Ralph, state your name, date of birth, and
patient account number.
Ralph: Ralph Craven. Date of Birth was 06/27/20. My
account number is
217-502-4569.
CSR: Ralph, what is your physician-approved END?
Ralph: What?
CSR: What is your Early Need for Death?
Ralph: I have Predicted Genetic Terminal Illness.
CSR: Has your physician explained what that means?
Ralph: Yes. It means that DNA tests have determined that I
definitely will die from something within three to five years. It is not
possible to predict what disease will cause my death, but the DNA predictive
test results were conclusive. My doctor said the three to five year
prognosis makes me eligible for Approved Assisted Suicide.
CSR: Ralph, did your physician explain the Suicide Benefit
Package?
Ralph: Yes. In fact, the benefit package is what helped me
make the decision to go with assisted suicide. The package is jut too good
to pass up. My family will receive a Suicide Choice Rebate from the
Touchstone Healthcare, and they will still collect my life insurance.
CSR: Right, Ralph. For most people it is a real win-win
situation. Well, let me go ahead and email you the Patient Suicide Handbook
and Toolkit. The handbook describes the procedure and tells you how to
prepare and what to expect from your assisted suicide. The Toolkit includes
your choice of a lethal dose of Endal, or a reusable handgun. If you choose
the handgun option, a family member must ship the gun back to Touchstone
within thirty days or its cost will be deducted from your Suicide Choice
Rebate. The Patient Suicide Handbook also is loaded with
other practical information about crematoria and other resources that you
might be interested in. Shall I ship your Handbook and Toolkit today?
Ralph: Okay. And I will take the Endal option.
CSR: Excellent choice, Ralph. Your Handbook and complete
Assisted Suicide Toolkit will arrive by UPS within 24 hours.
Ralph: Thanks.
CSR: Is there anything else I can help you with today,
Ralph?
Ralph: No thank you Susan. You have been very helpful. I’m
sure I will be quite satisfied.